This topic has been on my mind for quite a while. I have wanted to share my experiences with emotional regulation and expression, but needed time to process, understand, “Feel my feelings”, and heal from the wrongs.
I have always been a “feeler” who is in tune with emotions of self, others, and animals. I have had decades of education, training, and opportunities to experience many types of emotions and ways of dealing with them (or in most cases, not dealing/avoiding). I understand emotions are very natural, important, and are part of our advanced neurological functioning. They give us information to aid in our survival and success in life. I know that emotions themselves are neither good nor bad, but how we respond/react can be helpful or unhelpful (sometimes harmful).
I also know the first step in managing one’s emotions is being aware of them when they come and slowing down/calming your nervous system response, before they reach the point of no return, when the emotion takes over our brain and chooses/reacts for you, which often ends with unhelpful/harmful outcomes. Awareness is also the first step in solving problems and reaching goals. To find a solution to a challenge, we must first identify the problem and solutions before deciding on what to do. Sometimes that is going through pros and cons and seeking additional information. Other times it is communicating and receiving support from others. I have been thoroughly trained in effective/assertive communication skills and the importance of using “I statements” to share what you are seeing, feeling, and needing. To take ownership, keep the focus on you, and minimize the chance of the other person reacting defensively so they hear and understand.
I am very familiar with avoidance and the role it plays in fueling negative outcomes. If you avoid thinking about, talking about, or facing challenges, you become stuck. The emotion can bubble until you explode or fester and cause prolonged stress and health problems. I also understand that sometimes things feel so unpleasant a person might habitually avoid acknowledging them without even know they are doing so. Lately, it has been harder to catch this subconscious avoidance, but I try to self-correct once I do realize it. I have always been very comfortable, with emotional expression, sometimes to a fault. I forget that most do not have the same training and understanding, or way of seeing these.
But there is something that my advanced education and training did not teach me and I am only beginning to understand through my cancer surviving journey. That is, most people are NOT ready for emotions. The majority of society is uncomfortable with anything unpleasant, emotions or otherwise (mistakes, challenges, unknowns, failures). I am going to go out on a limb and say that some are not comfortable with any emotions, positive or negative, and want nothing to do with them. Even when you do identify what you are feeling, own it, and communicate it with “I statements,” there is a good chance the person on the receiving end will still feel attacked, react defensively, possibly gaslight you. They might stop talking, responding to you, and ghost you when you are going through something hard and need their support most. Or they may somehow turn it around and use it as an excuse to cut you out. And you might end up feeling worse, blaming or questioning yourself and your inner experiences.
I want to sincerely apologize to everyone for encouraging the “Claim it and Express it with I statements” without adequate warning and preparation for the jolting invalidation and painful reactions other others. I am trying to make sense of it all and experiment with different strategies but sometimes I do not see the gaslighting until I have snatched the snatched the bat (figuratively) from others to finish with the self-deprecating beating and bury me in mental hell. But I will eventually drop the bat, dust myself off, and see it for what it really is. Their discomfort, avoidance, and their problem. Not mine. Not yours. And even if they do not see, understand, or feel the same, it does not mean it is not real or true for you. They are your experience and emotions and you are my hero for sharing them.
With the rapid fire of executive orders and changes in policy, programs, and personnel happening in our country, most, if not all of us, have been impacted in some way. Personally, I have friends and family who work for the federal government and received emails stating they must justify their work to keep their jobs. […]
